Losing Control
by purplerayz
Summary: He sank to the floor and began to cry...the realization had truly begun to sink in. My entry for the-vampire-act's "How will season 5 end?" contest.


**Disclaimer: I, sadly, do not own Criminal Minds or its characters.**

**This is my entry for the-vampire-act's "How will season 5 end?" contest. I hope you like it!**

* * *

It was just like any other day in the BAU, so why did today seem so different? Reid knew. No one else did though, but they would know soon enough. Reid had been nervous all day. He couldn't concentrate. He wasn't even sure if he'd be able face anyone once they knew. He could probably manage to avoid everyone. Except for Hotch. He knew Hotch was the only one he wouldn't be able to avoid.

Eventually they would all want answers, but for today, at least, he knew he would only have to explain to Hotch, and right now, he wasn't even sure he could handle that. He chose today, Friday, for a reason. He knew it would help him avoid the questions from the other team members, if only for a little longer.

The day went on as normal. They had no case, so everyone spent the day catching up on paperwork. For Reid, the day seemed to drag on, yet suddenly, it was time to leave, which meant he had to talk with Hotch. He sat dilly dallying at his desk, stretching out the time as much as he possibly could. Prentiss had already left, and Morgan was on his way out as well.

"It's Friday, kid," Morgan said to him. "Go home. I'm sure whatever you're working on can wait over the weekend."

"I'm almost finished," Reid lied. He had actually finished a half an hour ago, but he wanted to wait as long as he could without causing any suspicion by staying too late. "I'll be leaving soon," he added.

"Alright, then. You wanna go out for a drink tonight?"

"No. I'm not really in the mood. It's been a long week. I think I'd rather just go home," Reid said truthfully.

"Okay." Reid was grateful that Morgan accepted his answer and didn't badger him into going out. "I'll see you Monday, then."

"Yeah..." Reid watched Morgan leave. As soon as he was out of his sight, he began to gather his own things to leave. He threw his messenger bag over his shoulder and drew in a deep breath before he finally made his way towards Hotch's office. He went up the stairs and passed by Rossi's office. He knew Rossi was still in there, and Reid hoped he didn't realize it was him walking by.

Hotch's door was open, so Reid stepped inside before he lost his nerve. An odd sensation of relief swept through him when he saw that Hotch wasn't there. He didn't know why though. He was going to have to do this eventually. There was no avoiding it. He knew Hotch was still in the building and would probably be returning soon, so he decided to wait.

He sat down in the chair in front of Hotch's desk, but it only took a minute before he was standing up again. He couldn't do this. His nerves finally got the best of him. He reached into his bag and pulled out an envelope. He placed it on the desk where he was sure Hotch would notice it. He quickly left the room, going as fast as he could without bringing any attention to himself, and took the back way out to avoid running into anyone.

--

Hotch returned to his office and sat back down at his desk. He was about to place the file he had brought back with him on his desk, but an envelope caught his attention. It definitely had not been there before he left. He tentatively picked it up and pulled out the paper inside.

He read the letter. He read it again. He read it a third time, still in disbelief of its contents. He was about to read it a fourth time, but a soft knock on his door interrupted him.

"Reid was just in here," Rossi said. "You missed him by a couple of minutes."

"I know," Hotch replied before looking back at the paper in his hand.

"What's that?" Rossi asked, his curiosity getting the best of him.

Hotch was silent for a moment before finally looking up at Rossi and answering his question. "It's Reid's letter of resignation."

--

Reid sat on his couch, staring at the wall before him. His apartment was quiet, and he just sat there. He'd been sitting there since he had arrived home from work. He wasn't sure how long ago that actually was, but he finally heard what he had been waiting for, what he had been dreading.

He could just sit there and ignore the knocking at the door, but he knew who was on the other side, and Hotch would know he was here and wouldn't leave until Reid talked to him. He got up and went to the door, pausing before he forced himself to open it. Without a word, he moved so Hotch could come in. Reid sat back down on his couch, and Hotch followed, sitting down in the armchair next to it.

"You know why I'm here," Hotch finally spoke. It was more of a statement than a question.

"Yeah," Reid responded quietly.

"Why didn't you come talk to me?" Hotch asked.

"I was going to, but you weren't there. I guess... I just chickened out," Reid admitted.

"Reid, you know you can talk to me."

"I know."

"Why do you want to quit?" Reid didn't answer. "You know I won't even begin to consider accepting your resignation until you at least tell me why, Reid."

Hotch waited patiently until Reid finally spoke. "I can't do it anymore."

"Reid, I know this job is hard sometimes, but-"

"No," Reid interrupted. "It's not that. I don't want to quit. I-I have to."

"What do you mean?"

"I can't..." Reid had a hard time trying to find the right words. "I'll be a danger to others... to myself."

"What are you talking about, Reid?" Hotch asked, becoming slightly worried at Reid's words. "You're not a danger to anyone."

"I may not be, but my mind... I've seen what it can do to a brilliant mind," Reid spoke absentmindedly.

"Reid..."

"Hotch..." Reid swallowed slowly. "I... I'm becoming like... like my m-mother," Reid finally forced the words out of his mouth. He wasn't sure if he could use the words 'I' and 'schizophrenic' in the same sentence. He stared down shamefully at the floor. He couldn't meet Hotch's gaze right now. The room became deathly quiet as Reid let Hotch take in what he had just told him. He knew Hotch understood exactly what he meant by it.

"Reid..." Hotch finally spoke. "Are you-"

"Yes, I'm sure. I know the signs, Hotch. I-I've even spoken to a... psychiatrist," Reid spoke slightly shamefully, still avoiding eye contact with Hotch.

"Is this what has been bothering you so much lately?" Hotch asked.

"Was it that noticeable?" Reid asked as he finally looked up at Hotch.

A slight smile began to form on the edges of Hotch's lips. "I do tend to notice when one of my agents is suddenly irritable all the time."

"Sorry," Reid smiled slightly along with Hotch.

"It's okay, Reid, I understand," Hotch spoke more seriously now. "Isn't there a way you could work until... you know. We could keep you out of the field."

"No. My mind will be unpredictable. I-I don't want to take any chances..." Silence filled the room again. The thought of him hurting someone else because of his mind was a chilling and eerie thought.

"I've always known this could happen," Reid finally spoke again, "but now that it is... Do you know what it's like to know what's going to happen to your mind? I saw this disease destroy my mom... and now it's going to destroy me, too."

"It's not going to destroy you, Reid," Hotch said firmly.

"It's not bad now, Hotch, but you have no way of knowing how bad it's going to get... or how fast my mind will deteriorate," Reid spoke softly. "I... I'm scared... I don't know what's going to happen... and with everything that I've seen on this job... it's just not going to be a good combination.

"You're strong. You'll get through this."

"If you don't mind, Hotch, I'd kind of like to be alone now."

Hotch was watching Reid carefully.

"Don't worry," Reid said, knowing what was on Hotch's mind. "I'm not in any danger to myself. I'll be seeing a doctor regularly, so he'll be able to tell me when... when it's... bad..."

"You seem to be handling this quite well, better than I would have expected."

"I don't think it's completely sunk in yet," Reid admitted truthfully.

Both of them stood up, and Reid walked over to the table, picking up his gun and badge. "Here," he said as he handed them to Hotch. "It's funny, you know."

"What is?"

"I never thought I'd ever give these up willingly. I could never see myself not doing this job. I just figured I'd either die on the job or have them taken away from me when I'm old and they force me to retire," Reid tried to joke.

"Reid, I hope you see this as doing the right thing and not as some sort of punishment for being the way you are. I'm proud of you."

"For what?"

"For everything. For all the great work you've done. For getting the help you need, for telling me the truth. I know it must not be easy for you. If you need to talk, you know you can always call me, right? Any time, day or night. You don't have to go through this alone. I know anyone on the team would be there in a second if you needed them."

Reid nodded. "Thank you, Hotch, for everything."

Hotch finally left, and Reid closed the door behind him. Both men stood on either side of the door, both taking in a deep breath. Hotch stared down at the gun and badge in his hands, and Reid stared at the table where they normally lay. Hotch decided he should finally start to walk away, something he really did not want to do but forced himself to. Reid sank to the floor by the door and started to cry, something he had wanted to do since he found out but had forced himself not to. Now that he finally told someone, the realization had truly begun to sink in.

Hotch stopped in his tracks and cringed as he heard a sob come from the other side of the door. He desperately wanted to go back to comfort Reid, but he forced himself not to. He knew Reid needed let it out. It would only hurt him if he kept all of his emotions inside. And as much as it pained him to do so, Hotch began to walk away.

--

_Invisible tears are the hardest to wipe away. Just let it out, my friend. ~ Terri Guillemets_

--

_Four months later..._

The young man stared down at his hands, which were shaking uncontrollably. He slowly began to back away from the still form that was lying on the ground next to him. As he backed away, the light of the streetlamp shone on him and onto his hands, revealing the fact that they were covered in blood. He turned around and started to run, not because he was worried someone would see him, but because he needed to get away, as far away as he possibly could.

He didn't know where he was going, but he kept running. He only stopped when he realized he would collapse from exhaustion if he kept going. He entered a dark deserted alleyway, and when he reached the end of it, he vomited violently on the pavement before he collapsed to his knees and began to sob uncontrollably.

Somewhere deep inside the young man's mind, the realization hit him that this might have happened before, that this could happen again. He couldn't control what he did anymore. His mind was gone. He knew he should run away from everyone. He was a danger to any stranger he passed in the street. He knew he should get far away from his friends, too. They were only there to help him, but he could not guarantee they would be safe, because he was no longer in complete control of himself.

But when he woke in the morning, he would neither remember what he had done tonight, nor what he was capable of doing at any given moment.


End file.
